Once again the Chosen were gathered in the familiar surroundings of Theoryland bar `n grill. Like always on these occasions, Watcher was serving the drinks. Most of the Chosen eyed him suspiciously; would he try putting something in the wine? Only DT seemed lost in thought; he was trying to get his fingers out of a Chinese finger trap. He had obviously been stealing in a toy store again.
Eilonwy sighed. What was the reason for this meeting? She wondered. Meetings were generally a waste of time. At least the drinks were free. She looked at the rest of the Chosen; they all seemed impatient. Her near-brother Uno, sitting beside MS, stuck his tongue at her. She returned the favour, and they both grinned. What would the newbies say if they saw the respected Ancients behave like this? Perhaps they'd be too shocked to post for a while. Too much to hope for, she supposed.
Finally Frenzy rose from her chair, and the Chosen became silent. Everyone was giving her expectant looks. Except for DT: he seemed to be having some reaction from the wine. He gave her a sheepish smile and started giggling and muttering by himself. So it was Frenzy who had called the meeting. What could she possibly have to say?
"The reason why we are all here", Frenzy began, "is the newbies". At this a choir of angry voices erupted. "They post too many new threads", one voice said. "Most of them haven't even read the books", another complained. Everyone voiced his or hers complaints over the newbies. This was hardly anything new, Eilonwy thought. Certainly not worth calling a meeting!
Frenzy gave her fellow Chosen an impatient look and the commotion gradually died down. "Newbies are always annoying", she began. "But this lot has taken annoyance into the extremes", Sven interrupted. "We all know this. Why call a meeting?" Frenzy tapped her steel-toed butt-kicking work boots and sighed. "Because", she said, "we now know why they are more than merely annoying. They actually get schooling."
Schooling? Eilonwy thought to herself. She would have thought that the problem wasn't schooling, but rather the lack thereof! Whatever did Frenzy mean? The rest of the company looked confused too, except DT; he still sat there grinning and giggling like a mule. Eilonwy shot Watcher a knowing glance, which he returned with the most innocent expression he could muster.
"Yes", Frenzy went on, "schooling. Someone has established a Newbie Academy with the sole purpose of educating newbies." The rest of the Chosen still looked confused, and Eilonwy fully understood them. "Well, my lady", Uno said to Frenzy, "then why aren't the newbies getting any better? If they get schooling, I mean."
"That, near-brother, has to do with the rather peculiar curriculum of this place of learning", Frenzy replied. She took up a bunch of papers and motioned for Snow to send them around Eilonwy could only stare in amazement at the paper. It was the most odd curriculum she had ever seen! At the top there was a set of rules; a creed, of sorts. "Rule 1: never believe in the most likely scenario. Rule 2: never consult the books. Rule 3: always post as many new threads as possible. Rule 4…" The entire thing seemed to be made for the explicit purpose of creating bad posters! Newbie Academy indeed. This explained at lot.
A silence fell over the assembled company of Chosen as they read the papers from the Newbie Academy. Eilonwy had thought that the influx of daft newbies was caused by some pre-Winter’s Heart syndrome. This was much worse. Some evil will was behind it all. Finally Layla raised her voice: “we need to send a spy into this den of stupidity”, she said. “Who of us would most easily pass as a newbie?” Everyone turned to look at DT. He had made a conical paper hat out of the paper Frenzy had handed out, and was still giggling and muttering by himself.
“I think we all know who would be perfect for the job”, Frenzy said with a smile. “After all, DT has some experience masquerading as a newbie.” Eilonwy nodded. She remembered DT’s excesses when he was posting as “The Great Lord of the Dark”. Oh yes. Perfect for the job.
“Newbies”, DT thought to himself as he approached the entrance of the Newbie Academy. His head hurt, and his memory of what had transpired at the Circle’s meeting was vague. He was to present himself to the Academy as “High Lord Achillevs”, a newbie who was already half-way through LOC. He didn’t want to do this, but he could still feel where Frenzy’s butt-kicking boots had hit him, and that was persuasion enough.
DT placed himself behind a long line of potential newbies outside the admittance office. Several of them were carrying copies of EOTW as proof that they had actually started on the series. After about thirty minutes, DT’s turn had come; he gave his name to a clerk wearing a nametag reading “Mandarb.” DT froze. He vaguely remembered the poster Mandarb. Was his cover blown? He didn’t want to know where Frenzy would kick him if that were the case. He tried to mask his anxiety as eagerness.
Mandarb, however, didn’t seem to notice. He handed DT a handbook of RJ’s book signings and a few brochures and then waved him on.
DT followed the stream of newly registered newbies into the nearby auditorium. Quinteria, a Youngling DT remembered from Theoryland, was giving a lecture on "why most characters in WOT are Darkfriends." Later followed lectures on " the virtues of book signings" and "getting your name on the board as much as possible." This was going to be an interesting day!
"I'm Febreze. What's your name?" A voice said on DT's left side. He turned and looked at an eager looking newbie in next seat. "Dra…ah..High Lord Achillves", he replied. The newbie didn't seem to notice the slip of the tongue. "This place is SO great," he rambled on. "Don't you just love being here? My theory is that Moridin is Tam and…" DT tried not to listen to the newbie's flow of words. Yes, this place was SO great indeed.
"Do you really think DT will pull this off?" Snow asked Frenzy who was busy going over her collection of rare firearms. "I mean, DT is ..well..DT! How long will he be able to resist trying to show off how clever he thinks he is? Like when he masqueraded as the Great Lord of the Dark." Frenzy shrugged and picked up her favourite gun. "I'm sure even DT can handle a few newbies", she said. "What if he starts showing off his WOT knowledge?" Eilonwy shot in. She put down her margarita and came over to where the two others were standing. Frenzy looked thoughtful. "There is that", she said in agreement, "but if he starts showing off, he won't be able to resist telling people about his two-souls-theory. No one will doubt he is a newbie then."
The sound of the morning call siren chased sleep out of Dragon Thief's head. He had been in the Newbie Academy for a week now, and he still wasn't used to getting up at 5 o'clock. The first lecture today was on the "virtues of book signings"; he had heard that lecture every day since he got here. The Academy's teachers said that endless repetitions were the core of being a newbie.
In the break halfway through the first lecture, DT was called the to administration's office. "You have visitors, newbie High Lord Achillevs", the clerk said. Visitors? Who could it be? It had to be some of the Chosen; no one else knew he was there. He all but ran over to the visitors' lounge, and was surprised to see the familiar shapes of Uno and Moonshadow.
Moonshadow was idly building a tower out of the coasters on the table, while Uno was watching everything while smoking his pipe. "Well, hello, DT", Moonshadow began. "Are you a certified newbie yet?" Uno laughed so hard of her joke that he started choking from his pipe smoke. DT sniffed. It wasn't that funny. "Have you come to take me out of this place?" DT asked Moonshadow. "I have already learned all I could from these newbies. No point in hanging around here." Moonshadow turned away from the still coughing Uno and looked at him. "Frenzy has bought a new pair of work boots", she said. " I hear she is eager to try them out on someone."
DT hurried back to the auditorium. Moonshadow and Uno hadn’t exactly brought encouraging news. He wanted to get out of the Academy more than anything, but the thought of another close encounter with Frenzy’s boots….He would have to stay until he found out something useful.
A horde of newbies suddenly came running in his direction. What was up? Febreze came up to him and grabbed his arm. He had a look in his eyes that could only be described as naive excitement. “Forget the rest of the lecture!” He said almost trembling with anticipation. “We’re going to a field exercise to the White Tower MB! We’re going to learn what it’s like to actually post!” DT moaned inside. The White Tower. Another den of stupidity. Almost as bad as the Asmoboard. “Aren’t you excited?” Febreze went on. “Perhaps we’ll even get to meet some of the great posters there like Brighton, or Blaise, or the Prophet or…” DT tried to shut out the newbie’s flow of words. Somehow he would get back at Frenzy for this.
"And then you have to press the post-key", the instructor finished. DT growled inside. He had spent the last three hours on the White Tower MB listening to instructions in how to post. The newbies seemed interested, though. Febreze looked like a kid on Christmas Morning; excitement shone in his eyes. "Any questions?" The instructor asked. Febreze was of course quick to raise his hand. "May we post now? Pleeeeease? Pleeeease?" The instructor looked pleased. "In a little while", he said. "First I want you to meet one of the great posters of this messageboard. Give a warm welcome to none other than Brighton Merriweather!"
The newbies cheered like madmen. Febreze turned to DT. "Aren't you excited?" He said. "It's Brighton Merriweather himself!" DT tried to appear excited as well, but in truth he was worried. He remembered quite a few flame wars involving Brighton and himself. Would he be recognised?
In an overly pompous and grand manner, Brighton Merriweather strode in front of the admiring newbies. “Brighton is a legend”, Febreze whispered to DT. “He managed to annoy all the posters at Theoryland. I just hope I’ll be as great a nuisance one day.”
“I’m glad to see so many of you here today,” Brighton began. “I have always meant that the measure of a newbie is his ability to annoy others. I’ve already heard from your instructors that most of you are very annoying. I’m very pleased to hear that.”
A cheer erupted from the crowd of newbies. Febreze giggled with joy, and one newbie, DT thought his name was Raken, looked like he was about to faint. DT grunted. Raken was already annoying enough to match Brighton in his opinion.
Brighton was about to continue his speech, when his jaw suddenly dropped in surprise. He was staring straight at DT. After a few seconds he recovered himself and went on with his speech, but he definitely looked less certain of himself than he had been a few moments ago. DT wished he had never tasted a sip of Watcher’s wine.
The newbies looked uneasily at each other as Brighton quickly rounded off his speech. "And don't worry if you post something that's mere nonsense," he finished. "This is the White Tower, after all; no one will notice." With those word he hurried away after whispering a few words into the ear of the instructor.
DT shifted uneasily; one word from the instructor, and he would be seized by the horde of newbies. This was all Wathcer's fault! The instructor, however, didn't seem to take any notice. He handed out the posting assignments, and sent the newbies out to post. "Isn't it great?" Febreze said. "We're on the same assignment! We are to discuss whether Mat is Rand's father. Personally I'm sure he is. Like Raken says: Mat is Tam reversed and…" DT wasn't sure what he wanted the most; get out of the academy or hit Febreze over the head.
“So”, Uno said standing at the mini bar pouring drinks, “no one has received word from DT since Moonshadow and I visited him?” He turned to Eilonwy and gave her a margarita. Frenzy and MS were already half way through their drinks. Well, he couldn’t blame them. Not after enduring Watcher’s wine for so long.
Frenzy nodded. “The last we heard was that he was going on some sort of field excursion to a messageboard. Probably either the Asmoboard or the White Tower.” Uno sighed. It had been very peaceful without the Thief, but he supposed they would have to recover him anyway. Uno fished his pipe out of his pocket. “Should we take action now, or do we wait a few more days?” He lit the pipe waiting for the three women to respond. “I suppose we should find out where he is, at least,” Eilonwy replied with a sigh. Moonshadow and Frenzy nodded reluctantly.
Uno went over to the cupboard and took out the old dusty links. He had known it would come to this. “Who wants to go to the Asmoboard?” He said.
The Asmoboard was known throughout Theoryland as the home of the snitch, the home of stupidity and a few other less flattering terms. Eilonwy had never thought she would be going there herself. Frenzy was familiar with the place, though, and that was why they were checking out the Asmoboard while MS and Uno checked out the White Tower. They had to find DT somehow; he had been missing too long.
Eilonwy sighed as she and Frenzy walked into the board. There were a lot of odd-looking posters milling about, but that was none of their concern; all they needed was to find Frenzy’s contact, a local poster called Unseen. Frenzy had told her he was a decent enough poster. Well, decent enough for the Asmoboard.
Snitchland didn’t look very much like Theoryland at all. The posters looked dafter, and the streets were less clean. Several of the posters gave a respectful nod to Frenzy as they passed by, though. Eilonwy wondered whether it was respect or fear of Frenzy’s boots. Perhaps she should consider getting a pair herself.
The pair went quickly through the Asmoboard looking for Unseen. They only halted long enough for Frenzy to make a couple of posts: that was necessary to avoid suspicion, Eilonwy supposed. Suddenly Frenzy turned into a dark alley and motioned for Eilonwy to follow. “We’ll wait for Unseen here,” she said. “This is the place he agreed to meet you?” Eilonwy asked. Frenzy grinned. “He didn’t exactly agree to meet me. He just comes by this place quite often. If he knew we were coming, he would stay as far away as possible.”
They hadn’t waited more than a few minutes before they heard a loud whistling. “That should be Unseen,” Frenzy said. She picked up a branch and tip-toed over to the corner of the alley. The whistling came closer. A poster appeared around the corner and Frenzy whacked him over the head with the branch. That must be Unseen, Eilonwy thought.
It didn’t take long for Unseen to recover. “Frenzy,” he stammered. “How nice to see you again. Can I go now?” Frenzy put up her most evil grin. Eilonwy had always wondered where she had learned to make those evil grins. “No, Unseen,” Frenzy said. “We want to know about the Newbie Academy.”
“Newbie Academy? What is that?” Unseen started sweating. “I don’t know what you mean, Frenzy,” he said. “Don’t play the fool, Unseen,” Frenzy said grimly. “You know every sort of mischief that goes on around here. You will tell us what you know, one way or another.” Unseen put up a stubborn look. Stubborn looks impressed neither Eilonwy nor Frenzy, though. Uno was their near-brother, after all.
“Well, Unseen,” Frenzy said as she methodically started kicking small pebbles off the ground. “I suppose we can’t make you tell. Have you seen my new boots, by the way?” Unseen cracked like a rotten melon. “I’ll tell you all I know! I haven’t got anything to do with the Academy, but I’ll tell you all I know!” He must have some painful memories of Frenzy’s work boots, Eilonwy thought.
It was a very grim-looking pair of Chosen that left the Asmoboard. They had learned little of interest from Unseen. He wasn’t able to tell them who was behind the Academy, and Frenzy said she believed him when he assured her that no excursions had come to Snitchland. Eilonwy only hoped that Moonshadow and Uno would be more lucky.
Dragon Thief slowly opened his eyes; he was in some kind of prison cell, and his head hurt. Someone must have knocked him down. Obviously Brighton had recognised him after all. "Are you awake?" A voice whispered from behind him. He quickly turned and was surprised to see Febreze. "What's going on," he asked. "Why are we locked up?" Febreze looked warily at him. "They said you were an Ancient," he said. "That your name wasn't High Lord Achillevs, but Dragon Thief. That you were at the Academy to spy on its secrets." Febreze paused a moment with fear in his eyes. "Is it true?"
DT shook his head. "Do I look like an Ancient?" He said. "Does my two soul theory sound like something an Ancient would come up with?" Febreze nodded in acquiescence. "That's what I tried to tell them, but then they thought I was with you and threw me in here." He released a frustrated moan. "What are we going to do to get out of here?"
DT just shook his head. His only hope was that the other Chosen would somehow get him out. If he ever saw Theoryland again, he wouldn't taste Watcher's wine as long as he lived.
For the fifteenth time since she and Uno left Theoryland, Moonshadow looked down at her new boots. She felt silly for doing so, but it was awfully nice of Frenzy to give her the pair; they were just like the butt-kicking work boots she used herself. She would have to practice to get Frenzy's technique, though. Perhaps she could try them out on some newbies?
She looked at Uno; he didn't look too pleased. They were going undercover to the White Tower, so he had to leave both his stars and his pipe behind. Even at a remote place like the White Tower, someone might recognise the combination of pipe and stars. Uno knew that, in fact, he had pointed it out. She knew he didn't like it, though.
Finally MS could see the White Tower MB in the distance. She hadn't been there in a very long time, and couldn't fail to notice that the place looked even dafter than it had done before. Pre-WH effects, perhaps.
As she and Uno passed through the White Tower's gates, MS noticed a large crowd gathered at the central square. What was going on? She and Uno discretely moved into the crowd. The assembled posters seemed to be listening attentively to someone telling a story. "What is going on?" Moonshadow asked a poster seemingly lost to the world. He gave a start and shot her an odd look. "Don't you know?" He said. "Brighton is telling us how he did it." With another odd look for MS, the poster turned away from the two Chosen and resumed listening to the story. "Did what?" Uno thought loudly. The poster looked at them as if he saw beings from another planet. "You mean you haven't heard? Brighton captured one of the Chosen today!"
Uno and Moonshadow suffered through Brighton’s story three times before he was finished, and every time his own bravery and personal risks were more highlighted. The local posters listened intently. Finally Brighton seemed satisfied and the crowd dispersed. Moonshadow sighed. If she had had to hear Brighton’s bragging one more time, she would have tested what her new boots were good for. Brighton strolled over to a nearby bench and sat down with a very self-satisfied look on his face.
“Let’s go and have a little chat with out old friend Brighton,” Uno said. Instinctively MS and Uno approached the poster from both sides as if confronting a wild animal. Brighton, however, was busy reading a transcript of RJ's book signings, and didn’t notice before they were right beside him.
“Hello, Brighton,” MS said. Brighton had had barely enough time to look surprised before Uno pulled a bag over his head. A few swift kicks from Moonshadow’s new boots kept him from calling for help.
“Now just be quiet, Brigthon,” Uno said as they dragged Brighton out from the White Tower. “There are some people at Theoryland who are quite anxious to see you.”
"Let's go over this again, Brighton," Moonshadow said. "You have absolutely no idea what the Newbie Academy is?" Brigthon nodded eagerly. He was sitting on a small wooden chair facing the entire company of Chosen. Their eyes were all on him, and he didn't seem to appreciate the attention. "Then why," Uno went on, "did you brag that you had captured DT? Why did you say that he was safe in the Academy's dungeons?" Brighton started sweating. "I was only joking," he said. "It's, eh, part of the humour at the White Tower..we tell jokes." He tried to put up a smile, but it vanished under the gaze of the assembled Chosen.
Uno shook his head. "I think we'll have to take Brighton's word for it," he said to the others. "I believe, however, that my lady Frenzy would like a word with Brighton alone. I suggest the rest of use leave them to it. Moonshadow and I will return the remains to the White Tower when my lady is done."
The Chosen moved to get up, and Frenzy put up an evil grin. That was all it took. "Wait!" Brighton cried out. "Wait!" I'll tell you all I know!" A flow of words erupted from Brighton. What he revealed, however, filled even Uno with dismay.
"It should be this way", Uno mumbled to himself as he and MS turned around another corner. It was hard finding your way in the Newbie Academy; the entire complex seemed to be made for confusing people. So far they hadn't met a single newbie, and Uno hoped this was because Watcher and Sven's diversion had worked.
Moonshadow pointed towards a stairway going down to the cellars. "I think the dungeon is that way", she said. "If we can trust Brighton's information, that is". Uno nodded and hurried down the stairs drawing his sword. The guards shouldn't be too hard to dispose of.
Usually, the Chosen weren't pleased when Watcher put a little something in the wine, Sven reflected. Today, however, his poisonous disposition was essential. Most of the newbies had already had their third cup of free wine, and the effects were beginning to be visible. It had all been Sven's idea: Uno and MS needed a diversion to break DT out, and putting up a free wine stand at the Academy seemed to be the best way of doing it. Watcher was having the time of his life. "Of course you can have a little something in your wine", Sven heard him say.
Dragon Thief once again carefully examined the lock on the door between himself and freedom. Being locked in a prison cell was bad enough, but being there with a newbie like Febreze…he had to get out soon. The lock wasn’t the real problem; no lock in the world could hold the Thief, not if he had his mind set on getting past it. The real problem was the newbie with whom he shared the cell. Would Febreze sound the alarm?
“How long do you think they’ll keep us here?” Febreze’s voice said behind him. “Truth to tell, I don’t want to be at this Academy any longer.” DT looked at him. “Really?” He mumbled. “Yes, really,” Febreze said miserably. “This entire experience has put me off WOT for good. When I get out, I’ll read nothing but Conan.”
DT shrugged. “I might be able to pick the lock,” he said, “but if you’re coming with me, you have to do exactly as I say.” Febreze nodded enthusiastically and assured him that he would. “Very well,” DT replied. “Here goes.” To Febreze it must have seemed like DT only waved his hands in front of the lock, but seconds later the cell door swung open. DT had imagined armed guards to rush at them the moment he picked the lock, but to his surprised he only heard a loud snoring.
"This is just great!" MS cried out raising her hands. "We should have known that Thiefy would get out on his own. All our elaborate plans for nothing!" Uno was inclined to agree. DT had obviously picked the lock on his own. Still, if the guards hadn't tasted Watcher's wine, he would have had problems anyway. With one final look at the sleeping guards, Uno quickly followed MS already on her way out of the dungeons.
"I think our work here is done," Watcher said with a happy smile on his face. The square in front of the wine stand was littered with sleeping newbies. Sven nodded. This lot would have some serious recovering to do when they woke up. If they woke up, that is. You could never know with Watcher's wine.
DT anxiously peered around another corner, slightly annoyed by Febreeze's panting in the background. They were out of the dungeons now, and only a few more blocks were between themselves and freedom. Neither he nor Febreeze had seen a single guard so far. Well, a single guard that wasn't sleeping, that is. The entire Academy seemed to be hibernating. The shere boredom of the place must have overcome them, DT thought.
"Come on then," he muttered to Febreeze, and hurried on.
"OK," Uno said, "I'm quite certain we came this way earlier. The gates should be in that direction." MS gave him a sharp look. They had been wandering about in this Den of Stupidity for hours now, and so far she was not impressed with her warder's map-reading skills. "Well, it's not my fault," Uno muttered. "The entire place is made for confusion."
Moonshadow nodded. The place was confusing, but they had to get out soon: the effects of Watcher's wine would soon start fading, and the Newbies would wake.
"Our work here is done," Watcher said to Sven, smiling broadly. Sven gave him an uneasy glance; he didn't quite appreciated how much Watcher had enjoyed this mission. Watcher was right, though: the entire square was littered with sleeping or comatose Newbies.
"We'd better start packing now," Sven muttered in reply. Who could know how long the Newbies would be sleeping? He didn't want to be there when they woke up. Not that he was araid of Newbies, not really, but there were awfully many of them. Besides, he was sure Uno and MS had rescued DT by now, so there was no need to hang around.
"Fifty paces," DT thought to himself. "Fifty paces." That was all that was between himself and freedom. He was stading in an ally looking straight at the gate. Frebreeze was muttering behind him; clearly he was impatient to get out. DT couldn't wait to get out of this blasted Academy himself, but he wanted to be sure there weren't any hidden guards over by the gate. A thief had to be paranoid.
He doubted it, though; so far everyone they had seen had been fast asleep. "Come on," he said to Febreeze, "let's make a dash for it." Fifty paces to freedom. They hadn't yet run twenty when the ground disappeared under their feet.
DT stopped banging his head to the wall for a moment and listened. He had thought he heard foot steps, but obviously it was nothing. A trap! How could a master thief like himself fall into a trap? And especially a trap that was nothing but a hole in the ground! Fifty paces from freedom, and he had been wreckless.
He gave Febreeze a sharp look. It was all the Newbie's fault. He had been so eager to be rid of his company that he had been wreckless enough to run the last distance. A simply mistake, but one that would cost him.
He listened again. Now he could swear he heard foot step! Had the Newbies woken up? Had they come to finish him?
"And then I asked him if he wanted a little something in his wine!" A familiar voice chuckled above him. Watcher! What was he doing here? Had the Chosen come to rescue him?
"Watcher! Down here!" DT cried out. Rescue at last! Free from the Academy and this Ferbreeze. The chuckling voice went silent, and soon the Barkeeper's face emerged above him. "DT, what are you doing down there?" Watcher said. Another face came into vision; it was Sven.
"Nevermind what I'm doing here," DT said. "Just get me out!" Watcher gave him a considering glance. "Get you out? Of course we'll get you out. At a reasonable price, of course."
DT gasped. A price? He wanted money to rescue a fellow Chosen? Was he mad? "What do you mean price?" DT demanded. "What do you want?" Watcher gave him an evil grin. "Oh, nothing you can't afford, Thiefy. Shall we say...a fancloth?"